Unfortunate realities that live rent free in my head

When I decided that I was going to write a book, I knew that it was going to be about my life. I even had a plan, a title, my chapters lined up and everything ready to roll into putting the pen to paper or keys to the pad.

I was always planning! Planning on what I thought my first published book would look like, Planning that I would go under a pen name, I had all the thoughts, ideas and very little action. Until I start rolling them into play, the story is just is given on various occasions by my recollection to people, and it remains rent free in my head all of the time.

It haunts me, it stays there, it lives in my dreams, nightmares, on replay. I see it play out in different scenarios in social media posts, I mock it when I utter it back into existence dripping with sarcasm as I feel that it doesn’t hold power if it can be laughed at.

It holds power, I see it written all over the unbelieving faces of those that receive the memory, unless they were present to experience the horror and atrocity it presented when it occurred and the aftermath. It happened, it is horrifying, it is my ugly truth.

With that being said, my perpetrator(s) will never admit it as what actually happened. I am not delusional, I am thriving and surviving. I am healing. I am learning to let go and create healthy boundaries. I am also willing to admit that this is my rendering of the event, and the people involved are free to share their recollection or deny it. But I know it to be what it is, living where it is in my head causing the heavy weight of existence it has had for so long until I let it all out and be done with it once and for all.

The cautionary tale of reading “Lola’s Renderings”, there aren’t enough trigger warnings to describe the events that have taken place. Be prepared to not believe them, that’s okay. This is my therapeutic journey to freeing myself from the chains that have held me for so long, this is my truth.

Read on if you wish to, your opinions or shares are welcome, this is a safe space. I want to add too, if you are not feeling safe always reach out and ask for help. You are never alone. I encourage you to call a safe line, a friend, or family member. Please know, that if no one has told you that you are necessary and needed today- I will. YOU ARE NECESSARY, NEEDED, AND CARED ABOUT.

Some of my blogs, pending how this all pans out may be password protected or private, we can figure that out as we move along, or if there becomes more interest than I bargain for. For now, I am just a person on the internet writing out what I intend to become my story one day. Thanks for stopping in.