Unfortunate realities that live rent free in my head

If you ever watched late night television, or television in general, you know this line, you know what it refers to, and you know the comedy behind it and the happy ending. I am taking the time to tell you, this satire is one of my beloved go to shows, but this line gets me in so many feels…

I love how it ends, but I hate how the line stabs me over and over, not because of it’s romanticism, eluding to the relationship on the show, but because it is not a line you envision in a relationship with a parent and child. And so now, Lola will render to you that I have been broken up with time and time again by the woman that gave birth to me. And not because I did things to deserve it, but because the woman thinks she knows how to make an exit. I will tell you, this isn’t true, because she exits when she deems necessary to do so, and then enters/inserts herself when she sees fit, unexpectedly riding in on a unicorn offering her gracious presence when it is no longer welcome.

Break ups are rough, families are complicated, there will always be issues, some things are worth fighting for, some doors need to be closed while windows remain open… My heart and home are locked down better than Gringott’s Bank when it comes to specific individuals. Typically I am a turn the other cheek type of person, I have four of them (cheeks) and I can heal wounds with time, but with time and a lot of therapy I have learned that sometimes it is necessary to cut off things, places, and persons that won’t help further you in life.

“But she is your mother!” I am sorry, but the extended warranty on that has long ago run out and I no longer wish to renew and the subscription that once held interest in my little Lola soul has vanished with every single horcrux I hunted down, that hunted me down, and everything time revealed in being an illusion of what I thought that relationship should have, could have, wouldn’t ever look like.

Natalia Romanova broke up with me for the final time recently after breaking up with me in April of 2022. I didn’t reach out to her begging for her, I left her alone, she even moved to an entire different state. She called and texted to let me know about important things like deaths in the family, one being my cousin’s, we will save that for another post. But she had my husband’s contact information after I closed the door to my heart and she often pinged him for information when there was something that peaked her interest on social media, or my family had accidently slipped and said something that she needed further clarification on. She often would let me know that she still loved me, to which I would thank her, but not reciprocate as she would then tell me how short and precious life was, and how cold hearted I was for not bowing to her graciousness and allowing her to enter back into my safe domain. There will be many tales to unfold, but we were on a break and I allowed her the space she needed from me. Me, the one who was there for every phone call, listening and trying to help in whatever way that I could.

Going as far as flying states away to surprise her, buy groceries, help her, listen to her, and offer advice, memes, anything to lift her spirits.***TRIGGER WARNING*** Until I told her that I didn’t want to continue an inappropriate conversation on speaker phone in my car one day in front of her grandsons about the very horrifying happenings/life event of one of her husband’s colleagues… (I will not discuss what happened to this colleague, just know that it should have never been repeated I don’t have name or specifics, it was an in broad/general context.)

Number one, the colleague had confided something very vulnerable to a person who could render counseling and help to her emotional state and it should never have been shared beyond their conversation. Number two, our conversation had nothing to do with anything regarding a subject that could have lead her to discuss this, it just so happens that this was normal for her to spew information to me, and I never ever share, nor will I the details of the innermost workings and topics of conversation other than this was not the thing to talk about for one, nor was it in front of my two teenage boys who were looking at me in shock but not surprise. I told her that we weren’t comfortable continuing the conversation and had to let her go. She was stunned, and hung up, I thought about it for hours after telling my husband what happened in a general context, and decided to text her in the most loving manner to explain why we had to end the call the way that we did after she shot me a test apologizing for saying anything that my boys shouldn’t hear.

I texted that it wasn’t about what they shouldn’t be hearing, but what wasn’t appropriate. I also stated that I wasn’t trying to start an argument, hurt her feelings, but expand on my point of view. That the topic of discussion was never appropriate, not knowing your audience and what it could trigger, and also that most people don’t choose to share that kind of story with people in general. It wasn’t a topic for teenage boy ears or girls, even if you knew them, ones you aren’t regularly around as you aren’t certain what they have been through or what their peers have confided to them, no matter how the story comes off to you who hasn’t had the situation’s context in all aspects, it’s not very well received no matter how you come across and not a conversation to be had really.

She defended herself, said she never should have called me in the first place, how I am not happy with her obviously in general, and she was uncomfortable that I talked to my siblings about her in general, she appreciated my generosity and prayers, etc… I responded back out of love, she responded that she would love me from a distance like the last time because it was obvious I felt unsafe around her, and that she would always love me. It went back and forth a few times from there, she would say that she messed up and then vilify me, until I just stopped responding. I got the COVID news, news of family members dying, things I should and shouldn’t be doing as far as her mother were concerned, and I just responded as succinctly as possible. I answered the phone only in case something chaotic happened, one of the times to have her go on for about 40 minutes as if she had never broke my heart, until I asked what the call was actually about because nothing had changed and then I got hung up on for being so cruel.

Then Lola was actually born with a hysterectomy and health crises, I had kept it close to my hip for months, but it got very complicated and I posted to social media when I landed back in the hospital about 13 days after surgery. My complications had left me wide awake, in pain, among not having the ability to look at the screen of my phone to text because life seemed so jumbled. I chronicled my new journey and the woman offered to alleviate my husband of his burden by being a live in caregiver…

She had originally texted after the initial procedure, but I didn’t return the text. She also texted my husband. I sent her a very pleasant response that I loved her, but from afar and that her showing up would not be well received, thanks for the well wishes, but no thanks, let’s continue our boundaries. (We were on a break!) This enraged her, words were texted back, I was called unforgiving among other things, in an already small space I felt miniature and victimized. Here I was trying to make sense of everything falling apart, and then Natalia swoops in and takes her licks as she deems fit all over again. How fitting, not this time, this was my healing journey and I didn’t need the extra baggage. I told her in so many words to back the truck up, back off, and leave us alone. Hours after I had a better day for the first time in a long time, someone sent the police to my house as I seemed self-depleting and harmful to my own devices. I can never tell you how that should have been the end of it, but it was just another way that she got the last word. I had a few more episodes before the calm came again, but I always wonder why it isn’t over? When will enough be enough when I leave well enough alone and stay in my lane?

You may be reading this and wondering if she catches wind of it, then what? I only have told four people about this happy place I have, and for all purposes, there is the domain name, the fact that these are my renderings, this is my version (thanks Tay Tay) and that in all honesty I do have receipts.

Did anyone catch the Marvel reference? Signing off, Lola needs her beauty sleep. Don’t forget, you are somebody to someone, even if in this moment it is just me. You matter, you are worth it, and there is a reason. Sometimes life is tough, and you don’t feel that you are up for the battle, and in that, make a call to a safe person, safe help line, and know that you have more to offer the world! If there wasn’t a single person that gave you acknowledgement today, here you are reading my renderings, Lola thinks the world of you just for reading my words and having the courage to be here. Thanks for being here, and until next time my dear reader, stay spooktacular!